Hipsters have been flocking to old men's bars for decades, looking 
for some obscure kind of seedy authenticity they can't find in their
own places, until word gets around and the old men stop coming and 
you're left with a new batch of inauthentic hipster bars.
   Well... world...Portland used to be like an old man's bar the size
of a small city...and we liked it. That's right. We liked being surrounded
by factories and crew-cuts. We liked it when Republicans were rational
human beings and Navy-issue pea coats cost $5.00. And we especially
liked renting 4-bedroom houses for $100 a month.
   So go away...world...move somewhere else. Move to Bend - it's not just  
sunny, it's really hip too. No kidding. Besides, you won't like it at 
all in Portland. You don't realize how much it rains. Look at my van.
See that green stuff? That's moss.